I love to write to my girls… whether it’s little notes in their backpacks or sending them quotes to start their day off right—it’s always been something I’ve tried to be intentional about. To let them know they are on my mind, to tell them good luck for an upcoming quiz, or if they need a bit of extra encouragement when they are having a difficult time.
I’ve always been a writer = I suppose that’s why, 16 years after hitting “publish” for the first time, I still find joy in crafting blog posts. It’s my way of leaving a lasting mark—visible for anyone to see. While some might see that as a drawback, for me, it has always been a therapeutic outlet, helping me process emotions along the way.
Now that BOTH of my girls are in middle school [Lord help us all], we are facing lots of emotions on a much more frequent basis and I’m finding myself constantly trying to figure it all out—and then asking my friends with older kids what to do, how to handle certain scenarios, etc. Many of these situations are unfamiliar territory for me too, but I always want my kids to feel they can come to me and talk through their emotions. I believe that’s SO important, especially as we approach the teenage years… Over the past few weeks, I’ve been jotting down some things that have popped up in my mind that I want to share with them, and who knows—maybe it will help someone else navigating a similar path. Just be sure to bookmark this for a later date if you’re not quite there yet ;).
one. be your authentic self + popularity doesn’t matter
Everything in your teen years can feel like the end of the world and not being in the cool, popular crowd might seem like a big deal… BUT I know from personal experience that popularity is just a fleeting phase—it doesn’t define who you are or what you’re capable of. I try to explain that years from now, they will realize that the things that matter most are their character, confidence and the people who genuinely support them. Popularity is created in the same exact environment that will one day deconstruct it when everyone grows up and looks back on these developing years. To keep it short and simple = focus on being your best self and developing friendships with people you genuinely like and want to surround yourself with.
I always want them to be their authentic self. While adolescent girls struggle to discover who they are, I know they also stress about standing out in any way, especially when it’s something outside of their control. This could mean being the tallest, struggling with grades in certain classes, having a certain color of hair, etc—it’s a lot to have to deal with. BUT the truth is those differences are what make each and every person unique and special and one day I hope they can learn to love those details about themselves. The sooner we learn to embrace and love those qualities, the faster we grow into an unshakable confidence that allows us to truly shine.
two. as your mom, i have to set boundaries for you
I am going to sound like Mimi all over again when I say this—set boundaries, not barriers. For example, we set boundaries for phone/screen time in our house… it’s always lights out on weeknights at 10PM and that’s when iPads AND cell phones come downstairs and out of their bedrooms. We also do our best at limiting the apps they use and yes, I do randomly go through their devices just to do a quick check. I want Caroline and Carson to know I respect their privacy, but at the end of the day—I am their parent and I am watching out to make sure they are making good decisions.
This is also a time when we discuss consequences = for not doing homework in a timely manner, not being honest with us, etc. Sometimes it’s hard to divvy out a consequence, but I always tell myself I have to be consistent in my actions with them, which in turn helps to encourage more independence and responsibility. All in all, I am here to help guide them and make sure we are making smart decisions as they grow and mature.
three. be careful what you post because it will stay with you
I’m not going to lie… I am extremely thankful I grew up in the 80’s/90’s when there wasn’t Life 360, ring doorbell cameras or social media and yes, I’ll just leave it at that. But now, our kids are being subjected to all sorts of technology, social media and information overload – much earlier than any of us ever had to deal with.
For instance, their online presence – maybe this is obvious – but having an open + honest conversation talking about the complexity of social media is appropriate and something every single parent should be doing. Not only are our tweens + teens consuming media on their phones like music and video, but girls tend to use social media much more than boys. Obviously with my career, I might have a different perspective on social media than some parents, but I’ve made it clear to my girls that while social media is part of their everyday life, it can also be a dangerous space for mean-girl behavior and can lead to trouble fast. It also introduces an entirely new layer to flirting and talking with boys, which can make things even more complicated. That’s when it’s a good idea to sit down as a family and develop your specific social media rules…
I have lots of friends in HR and trust me, when you’re going through an interview process, their teams can track down ANYTHING + EVERYTHING you’ve ever posted/shared/etc so we need to teach our kids to do better so their actions as adolescents don’t affect them as they enter adulthood.
four. mean girl behavior + playing nice
Speaking of mean girls… If your daughter hasn’t encountered those tricky social dynamics yet, it’s a good time to gently bring it up—because trust me, it’s coming. Be open and vulnerable with her—it’s okay to admit it’s very “mom-ish” to want to protect her from everything and yes, that’s what I will do. If you’ve seen the movie “This is 40” I am totally Leslie Mann’s character when she marches up to school to have a chat with the kids who are being mean to her daughter.
I always want my daughters to feel comfortable coming to me if they find themselves in a mean girl type of situation. We’ve had to deal with a few mild scenarios already and it really helped me sharing my own stories from when I was in middle school and went through similar experiences = and yes, I have told them about a time where I WAS THE MEAN GIRL and what I learned from that and how not to repeat my behavior. Maybe it’s time for them to watch the movie with me so we can keep it mild and playful, but still broach the subject in a slightly less scary method.
As parents, we also need to remind ourselves how fast our kids are growing up and what changes they are having to deal with… these girls are all just trying to figure out their emotions and a complicated world around them! So, a reminder to all of us to show understanding, compassion and most of all GRACE.
five. friendships take a lot of work
Let’s be honest… middle school girls care more about their friends’ opinions than just about anything else. And I see that every day since I have two of them in my house. Gone are the days when they want to impress me with quick witted humor, fun dances to songs or what they wear out and about. I know from personal experience that middle school can be a particularly difficult time for girls—with friendships constantly shifting, strong personalities emerging and cliques forming left and right.
Sometimes all we can do is be a sounding board and trying our best to let them navigate certain scenarios and situations, while also allowing them some space to make the right decisions. I try to foster friendships with my girls and their besties as much as I can… hosting sleepovers and get togethers, being an open ear for when they want to talk, and of course being thankful they love to come to our house to hang out as a group. But I will say, it’s hard watching your kids getting left out of a birthday party or when they find out everyone on their team has been invited to something except for them = things like that take time to work through. I just look at it as a way to teach my girls how NOT to act. And that’s all I have to say about that. 😉
six. your body is changing and yes, it’s normal
Heaven help us… this is the topic I find the daunting. When I walk into our middle school, I notice some girls look like they are in college, whereas you have others who resemble elementary aged kids. The contrast is CRAZY, right??? I know our kids are in constant wonder about what their bodies may do next and what that will look like.
Without going into specifics which would absolutely mortify my kids, I will say the better prepared WE ARE AS PARENTS, the more we can help with the transitions they are about to embark on. I have told them since they were little that they could always ask me anything and I will say the questions are coming in at a much more rapid pace than ever before… and they are pretty bold with what they ask = so even as strange and uncomfortable as it is for everyone involved, it’s a MUST do. And this is when I text my girlfriends with older girls to ask for help = they are a wealth of knowledge and can offer some really smart assistance!
seven. grades are important, but they aren’t everything
Middle school is often the first time kids get placed into different classes for academics… maybe for honors math and/or english, etc. While a lot of our kids are accustomed to getting straight A’s in elementary school, they suddenly have to start studying for quizzes, working on weekend projects, etc. It’s definitely a more challenging curriculum and faster pace for school work, but I always tell my girls as long as they study and try their best, that’s what we care about in our house.
I myself was never a good test taker, especially when it came to standardized tests. So I studied hard and did my best and left the rest to God. Every kid has different strengths = I always did well in other areas which helped to balance out my grades. Our focus is always on the EFFORT, not necessarily their PERFORMANCE. And one more reminder = it’s OK to ask for help from teachers and use time accordingly in study hall… use resources the best you can and a lot of times it will pay off!
eight. oh, the wonderful world of boys …
Boys will be boys, AND girls will be girls—and this is where it all starts. And yes, it’s scary as hell! From first crushes to the rollercoaster of it all, we [again] as parents want to protect our kids from everything, especially heartbreak. But this phase is also about learning and growing, so I know at times I have to give a little more than I want to. I want them to experience the excitement of a crush, but also want them to realize that emotions change very quickly and not to get too involved with boys. Preteen boys are going through their own emotional changes, feeling the same social pressures and awkwardness as girls. It’s all part of the journey! My goal is always going to be about creating a safe space for my daughters to feel comfortable coming to me, crushes and all. And P.S. holding them hostage in the car ride to and from school is a great time to talk… they can’t escape and they are practically forced to interact with you in some capacity!
nine. it will all be OK and i’m here for you
As simple as it sounds, it will all be OK in the end and if it’s not, then it’s not the end! Life is crazy and hectic and so is this new time in their lives + I am here just trying to enjoy the ride as much as possible. I look back at the trauma I caused my parents when I was a pre-teen and through high school and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve apologized to them for the extra wrinkles and stress. Love you Mimi and Pappy!
I will say… having preteens is tough BUT it’s also been the biggest blessing to watch them come into their own and see their character take shape as they mature into young women. My girls are so different in so many ways so how I interact with them is quite opposite as well. Caroline is tender-hearted, empathetic and has a heart for caring for others = so for her I highlight her nurturing spirit and celebrate those unique traits. Carson, on the other hand, is headstrong, confident and assertive = she is a natural born leader.
Whether your kids are bold or shy, extroverted or introverted, there is always a place for them to thrive and the world needs their strengths… and I’ll be there cheering them on every single day to embrace who God made them to be and to always be their biggest cheerleader, forever and always.
I feel like everything was taught from my parents and grandparents growing up has helped prepare me in so many ways about the type of parent I want to be. I know I am not perfect and I am going to make a lot of mistakes, but we are on this journey together and for that, I am grateful. OXOX
++pictures from the fabulous Alli Golden Photography++
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