I’ve been doing A LOT of thinking lately about parenthood and this crazy time in our children’s lives of tweens + teens… if I am being blatantly honest, it’s absolutely exhausting = I remember how hard this time was when I was growing up. And I feel like kids have it SO MUCH HARDER these days.
Case in Point: we didn’t have to hear about things we weren’t invited to on social media, nor did we have the constant churn + burn of content and trying to keep up with everyone [maybe a blessing we only had beepers and no cell phones = if you know you know]. We certainly didn’t have to worry about beauty routines.. I was lucky if I remembered to actually wash my face at night with my trusted tub of Noxzema ;).
My girls are going through pivotal points in their adolescence. I first touched on a few of these topics last fall when I posted: Nine Things I Want My Middle Schooler to Know, and it soon became one of the most pinned and bookmarked posts I’ve ever published. And today I am touching base on a topic that we’ve experienced firsthand, and I want to share the experience here because I think it’s something a lot more of you out there could relate to…
WHEN YOUR KID DOESN’T MAKE THE TEAM
P.S. Before we dive any farther into this post, I do want to caveat a bit = when I started writing this post, Caroline and I sat down to discuss this idea and whether it was something she wanted to share because, after all, it is HER story. We had a great conversation about her experience, and she was all in on what has transpired over the past two years, what she has accomplished, and where she is now!
Let’s backtrack a bit so you get the full picture of the story: when Caroline was in 5th grade, she decided that she wanted to try out for her middle school’s dance team. She had only been taking regular dance classes for two years at that time [after taking three years off] and decided she wanted to be ALL IN — competing with her dance studio and putting more focus into all things dance as she was entering a new school for 6th grade. It’s also worth mentioning our school has an INCREDIBLE dance team — lots of national championships, super entertaining halftime performances, and it’s a big reason a lot of girls in our community venture to our school, so I knew we had our work cut out for us.
We went into tryouts with the best of intentions, and of course, as her mom, I encouraged her to give 100% and show up with her best. But sadly, that first go-around of tryouts, she didn’t make the team. Sure, it was disappointing, but she made a decision right then and there that she was going to spend the next year focusing on improving her skills, working hard towards her goal, and then we’d see what happens.
For the next nine months, I saw her work her tail off — P.E. dance class, more studio classes, plus privates with coaches in her spare time — and she really focused on making the team and what it was going to take to make that happen. Once it came time for her to try out again as an upcoming 7th grader, she practiced daily, learning the routines, working on improv dancing combos, and even managed to pull out a side aerial for tryouts. But then, when results came out, she was placed as an alternate on the team.
Now this go-around, it was a lot of mixed emotions — excited to BE on the team, but also disappointment in what that role truly looked like, especially when Carson had made the team as well. Talk about a gut punch for a parent — wanting to celebrate with one child while also wanting to cry with your other. This parenting stuff isn’t for the faint of heart, my friends.
Right then and there, we went to our coaches and asked for feedback = that way we would have answers and develop a gameplan as to how to proceed. Was this middle school dance dream something we should continue to pursue or was it time to find something else to do with our time?? After many conversations between Caroline and I, her heart still desired that permanent spot on the dance team so she worked harder than ever = helping learn choreography to teach to other members of the team when they were absent from practice, weekly privates with her coaches + teachers to continue working on flexibility/tumbling/turns/leaps/etc and I’ve got to give it to her = her persistence and tenacity was a tremendous thing to watch unfold right before my eyes and I’ve never been more proud of how much work she put in to seeing her goals met.
Third time was TRULY the charm for my girl… I’ll never forget seeing her face light up when she saw her name on the roster for this school year and the joy that exuded from every ounce of her being. It wasn’t an easy road, but I’ve said this time and time again, and I’ll stand by this sentiment forever = I want my kids to fail. I want them to face challenges, and I want them to rise above them. That which does not kill us truly makes us stronger, and these life lessons will serve them well into their adult years when things don’t go their way… try, try, and try again!
AND for icing on the cake??? Not only did she make the team, but she made the nationals hip hop team — an even smaller group that will travel to Orlando early next year to compete for a national small group title. A true boost of confidence for her, but also the perfect way to demonstrate that if you put in the work, good things WILL happen. She’s gone through a lot of emotions and faced tons of adversity over the past three years, but she persevered and has come out a much stronger young woman… I’m just so proud of her and all that she has accomplished, even after hearing “no” time and time again. Caroline Cate, you have shown me SO much in what you’ve done and how far you’ve come = be confident in what you’ve been able to achieve and remember what the celebration feels like because you’ve truly earned it baby and nothing feels sweeter than that!
I say all of this to remind each of us = life is hard, and sometimes we face challenges, but it’s what we do AFTER the setbacks that really shows us what we are made of. And I am giving some of my best tips + tricks for overcoming what happens when your child doesn’t make the team — tips that will hopefully help you as we all try to navigate this ever-changing world of parenthood together:
one. allow yourself to feel all the feelings
It’s totally normal to feel disappointed… that just shows how much you want it. It’s good to acknowledge your emotions [whether you’re sad, frustrated, and/or disappointed] AND, for heaven’s sake, allow yourself that time to work through those feelings. Don’t hold back, and if your kiddo needs a good cry, let them have it — maybe even participate, because you’re most likely feeling the same thing for them, especially when you see your child hurting. But once all is said and done, let’s move past it and head in a positive direction! I always encourage my kids to let it out, and if they are willing to talk, BE SURE TO LET THEM DO THE TALKING AND JUST LISTEN. The worst thing we can do is keep our emotions bottled up [I am SO guilty of this], but it’s an important process nonetheless, especially before we move onward + upward.
I also made sure to tell her it wasn’t the end of the world. I’ll be honest and reiterate that this scenario helped her develop critical coping skills, as she will surely encounter setbacks like this again as she gets older and well into adulthood.
two. ask for all the feedback
This was a hard one for me to work through because, of course, as a parent, you want to be able to fix it — even though you can’t. Jeff and I have made a point to really help our girls find their confidence in talking to their teachers, coaches, and other adults, as well as being independent when it comes to seeking feedback and constructive criticism. Sure, it doesn’t feel good to hear your shortcomings out loud, but I promise it will help as you work through WHY you didn’t make a team, and it’ll also allow you to focus on the areas you need to improve when — and if — you decide to go for it again! Don’t be afraid to ask… I promise you the coach will be glad to know you care so much and are actively seeking help.
three. get a gameplan in order
Yep… I am all for making a game plan = set up near- and long-term goals, especially when it comes to a certain sport or hobby!! After you get the coach’s feedback, it’s easier to sit down and develop a plan of attack leading up to the next season or year’s tryouts, with a specific tactical action plan to get better in the areas where you need to put in some additional work.
As a personal reflection from our experience, I had Caroline ask for a mid-year meeting with her middle school coaches — one, to see where she stood compared to other girls on the team, and two, for them to see the progress she had made. Trust me, these touchpoints help tremendously AND showed her coaches she was actively pursuing this goal and working towards what she so badly wanted.
four. stay involved but find other interests
When she didn’t make the team, we encouraged Caroline to find other interests to occupy her time. That’s also when she joined a small Christian life group — and it’s where she truly found her community. Another amazing reminder that God was at play and that everything happens for a reason. It also gave her an outlet of people to really bond with, and they’ve all grown SO close over the past two years. And when tryouts came back around, they were the ones cheering her on the loudest ;).
At the end of the day, we are all just doing the best we can… with a little emotional support from our family and close friends. My biggest takeaway from this experience was to be there for my daughter through the good and the bad, to celebrate the wins when they finally came our way, but also to remind her to be an encourager for others who may walk a similar path. Through this, I think it was a huge learning opportunity for both of us, and I am grateful we got to walk through it together. Sports can teach us SO many life lessons, but I made sure to be mindful of this moment and use it as a positive learning experience. And of course, as long as she is having fun, that’s all that matters!
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